The Guilt of Grief

Why do we feel guilt when we are grieving? And do you move forward? And what do you say to someone going through those emotions?

My friend Sarah is struggling with the death of her goddaughter, Lucy. Lucy was killed in a car accident at the age of 21. For the last 15 years Sarah has lived and worked abroad, so her visits home have been limited. She missed a lot of the big events of Lucy, but still stayed in close touch, joking with her that one day she’d follow my sister abroad and work with her.

Now that opportunity has gone. Sarah, living in a country on the other side of the world is taking the death hard, as you can imagine. She’s feeling guilty she missed out on so many things in Lucy’s life growing up. She’s feeling guilty that she’s going to miss out on the future events, that she wasn’t there to console her friend the moment it happened….so much guilt.

It’s difficult to know what to say right now. Guilt is such a common feeling when going through grief, and more so when it’s a child, even when it’s an adult child, you hope never to die before your children.

Here’s what I do know — guilt is a feeling. Feelings are what they are and we need to find ways to accept and move forward with these feeling. We can’t stop feeling guilty because someone tells us to. Instead perhaps it’s better to try and understand the reasons for that guilt and rationalise them — when we are ready to do so — but never forgetting that guilt is perfectly allowed.

So what are the causes of the guilt?

1. We like to blame something. It’s so hard to accept that sometimes terrible things happen,and there is just no logical way to account for them. So we blame ourselves to try and find a way to justify what has happened.
2. We believe we have done something wrong. Grief does crazy things to the brain. We go over everything that happened, everything we might have done, should have done, and our brain obsesses until we are convinced we truly have done something wrong. Of course, this doesn’t mean we have actually done something wrong, but our brain will convince us otherwise
3. We did something wrong. Sometimes, just sometimes we do screw up. We don’t do the things we intend to. We have to face the unintended consequences of these actions.

So what can I do to help my friend?

1. Let her know that guilt is a normal grief emotion. It’s ok to feel guilty
2. Talk about it. There are many grief counsellors available to talk, or just lending an ear to Sarah may help her process it better.
3. Try to get her to acknowledge whether her guilt feelings are irrational or not. If they are irrational, as they are in this case, then although it doesn't make them go away, but it may help her to move forward and realise that she is not actually guilty.
4. Help her to find a way to forgive. She won’t forget, but will help her find a way to move forward.
5. Try to get her to do something with the guilt. Try to focus the energy into something positive, learn from it and try to help others.

Fundamentally I just need to be there. That’s all I can really do until she is ready to deal. And if she needs professional help, I can approach some of the organisations on this list